Fight~

Marriage is designed by God.  He intends for one man to be married to one woman.  Children need two parents.  Struggles come, but we must fight to keep the covenant that was made with God, and each other.  Everyone suffers if this is not followed.  It hurts for long amounts of time.  I have been divorced for 5 years and 5 months, the pain still is there, it is strong at times, and is depressing.  I never wanted this for my life, and I really need help getting through it.  God is the only constant in my life, the only real source of peace.  I have fallen in love with a man, and sometimes feel like things will not work out with him because of our kids, and our ex’s. The pain in my heart is so evident today that I feel like there is no hope for a future. God, I need You, oh I need You now.  Written January 31. 2015

http://youtu.be/9ylnx0NA9X4  "Need You Now, Plumb"

"Keep Your Marriage Vows
Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife. But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her.  And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him.  For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?" (1 Corinthians 7:10-16).

Beauty for Ashes~

Almost seven years ago I found out about the affair.  Five years ago yesterday I signed the final divorce papers.  I thought that my life had ended.  I had never experienced such devastation.  Never once did I ever see myself where I am today.  I am happy, more confident, stronger, thankful, and at peace.  Life has it's twists and turns, some of which we have no control over, and some we would never desire to happen.  I was listening to a song yesterday, and was thankful for the lyrics as they truly echoed how I feel.  "Lucky" (Jason Mraz, and Colbie Caillet) "I'm lucky to have been where I have been... Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed..."  I wouldn't wish where I have been on anyone, but truly I am lucky to be where I have been.  I wouldn't trade it for anything at all!  "And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me " (2 Corinthians 12:9).  Thankful for the Lord in my life drawing me closer to Him, giving me His own strength to make it.  "The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit" (Psalm 34:18).  I am thankful that He has drawn my sons to a closer walk with Him.  I am thankful that the part of me that I thought was dead, and would never find happiness is alive again.  I am thankful that I know that I can trust again.  I am thankful for Rob, and the last eight months that we have shared getting to know each other, and falling in love.  Of course there are scars that serve to remind me, but at least I know where that pain came from, and it is not where I am right now.  "Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you" (1 Peter 5: 6 - 7).  I am so thankful that the Lord takes all my pain, tears, hurt, all that I am, upon Himself and in return gives me His love, peace, hope, joy... All my junk, for all His good.  "To give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified" (Isaiah 61: 3) Thank God for giving me His beauty for my ashes.  May where I have been, and where I have stayed, always motivate me to where I am now, and where I am going.  ♫ "I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend, lucky to have been where I have been, lucky to be coming home again.  ♫ Lucky we're in love in every way, lucky to have stayed where we have stayed, lucky to be coming home someday" ♪ 

Depression~

"Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word makes it glad" (Proverbs 12:25). Having dealt with (battled!) depression myself for a number of years (it still rears it's UGLY head sometimes), I understand how consuming it can be. There are days when you think that you just can't handle it anymore; want to curl up in a dark corner and have it all stop (and I mean ALL!). After being on it for three years, I am happy to say that I have been completely off medicine for the last four years. (I am not ashamed to admit that I needed help.) It is not without some bad days, but they are bearable days, and some days in need of talking to my best friend(s) to help pull me out so that I don't sink farther into it. I am so thankful that Christ is in my life, and that He provides me the strength that I need, and lifts my head. There are so many people that are afraid to address it, afraid to talk about it, think that it is shameful, or disgraceful. It is real; just as real as if your eyesight was failing and you needed glasses, or if you had a heart condition and needed to take medicine. If you know someone, or are someone who suffers from this, please don't be afraid to talk about it! It is NOT shameful, it is NOT disgraceful... I don't think God would have used the word depression in His Word if it was not something that we would have to face.  Rest in Peace, Robin Williams.  

P.S.  If you have never had depression, or dealt with the awfulness that goes with it, you have no place judging the people that felt they had no hope, or other way out of the darkness going on inside of them.  It is real, it can be completely debilitating, and can completely consume oneself.  If you have depression, or know someone who suffers from it, please seek help, or be helpful! <3

Weakness~

We fight so hard to be strong... think that being weak is so bad... Well, I say that we (I) need to start changing our (my) thinking! Being weak, admitting that we can't do things on our own, and needing help, are all signs of strength. "God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble (weakness)" (Psalm 46:1;). "And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather bast in my infirmities, that the power (STRENGTH) of Christ may rest upon me" (2 Corinthians 12:9). "For we are glad when we are weak and You are strong..." (2 Corinthians 13:9a). It seems evident to me that when we are weak, He shows His strength in us. "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1:9). He commands us to be strong, not in our own strength, but in His. "Finally, my brethren, be strong in the and in the power of His might" (Ephesians 6:10). Ok, I'm done. Hope that encourages one of you today:)

One Year Later~

May 18, 2014

 “Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them” (Psalm 139:16).

One year ago ~

A day of primping~ hair, nails, beautiful dress, tuxedo, flowers, borrowed car,  a little anxiety, and excitement, as two older teenagers meet up to go to the prom.  The time has come to go have dinner with the family, have some photos taken, and sendoff two special friends to have a fun time celebrating being seniors, and each other’s company.

A text from her at 11:45 “were good and on our way to the breakfast!”  A text from him at 12:15 “yep, I’m good” A knock on the door around 2am… I thought my boy forgot his keys.

A little rain, a very dark street, and a rear wheel drive car… The car hydroplaned and control was lost, just five miles from her front door, on the way to take her home. The car crashed; her side of the car taking the impact of a telephone pole… Both have suffered from this night in May.  Their lives forever changed.  The children we parents sent out never returned.

A mangled car, two ambulances, shock trauma, several surgeries for extensive injuries. Questions of why it wasn’t the other way around.

One year later~
The car is gone BUT… two older teens are alive, can share with you what happened, and both tell how God has used it to make them better people. Both are closer to Him and His Word now.  Both are ALIVE! Praise Him!

I still have a hard time with it all, but ultimately know that God is sovereign.  His ways are perfect.  I thank my God that He spared their lives, and that He is using this to bring glory and honor unto Himself.
“I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living” (Psalm 27:13).

Scars~

I have been thinking about wounds, healing, and scars. I recently shared with my son that he needed to address issues that are going on inside of him so that years from now, they don’t surface. Ironically, I have my own issues that have risen from an incident that took place on November 17th of 1987! A wound was created that day that has affected every aspect and area of my life… until now. A wound simply put, is an injury (harm or damage). In order for a scar to form, the injury has to be treated. After sharing with a dear soul, it was asked of me how my injury has affected life; my relationship with the Lord, to which I answered that it hadn’t. I was encouraged to write two lists. One on how it has affected me, one on how it has not. Needless to say the list on how it has not affected me is empty. Among other things, there has been bitterness, shame, anger, pain, and poor self-worth. The bitterness and anger I have carried has left a scar on my soul… The wound in my soul is interfering with my life. I have never treated the wound so I cannot really call it a scar, for if a wound goes untreated, it remains a wound. “Scar tissue is connective tissue that has contracted and become dense and fibrous. It replaces normal skin after an injury. They result from the biological process of wound repair in the tissues of the body. Scarring is a natural part of the healing process” (internet assistance). I need to address it so that that it can begin to scar, and heal properly. It has blackened part of my heart. This sin that was done against me, I choose to carry for all these years has shame, anger, guilt and so many other negative emotions. January 25, 2014 began a new chapter in my life! I am working on processing what has happened; have forgiven the person responsible for the violation, as well as myself for blaming myself all these years for something that I had no choice in. Finally, for the first time in my life, I am processing what happened to me, forgiving, embracing, and freeing myself of the past. For the first time in my life, I like who I am becoming, and I like me. I like Debbie. This is a huge step for me. Psalm 139: 15 states: “I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.” I believe it. I am slowly getting to a place that I can talk about what happened, and it be just that, something that happened. I don’t want it to define who I am any longer. “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace.” (Ephesians 1:7). I am thankful for the freedom there is in forgiveness. It gives me a greater picture of the freedom we have in Christ.  When Christ forgives, it is GONE. “‘This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, says the LORD: I will put My laws into their hearts, and in their minds I will write them,’ then He adds, ‘Their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more.’ Now where there is remission of these, there is no longer an offering for sin” (Hebrews 10: 16-18).

Kindled~

While I was stoking the fire up one morning, I was a little frustrated with one of the pieces of wood that was very difficult to catch fire. I put on my fireproof gloves and gathered in all the hot embers that had fallen to the sides back to the middle so that it could help to ignite the stubborn piece that was not catching. Thankfully, being in the middle of the fire, surrounded by the hot embers, and other burning logs, that stubborn piece caught a blaze. I kept tending to it so that it remained surrounded by wood that continued to burn, so that it too, would continue to burn, and provide warmth. 

My son experienced one of those pieces of wood that would not catch fire. He got so frustrated with it that he threw it out the front door into the snow. A few days later, I took the piece of wood that had been thrown out the front door, threw it in the fire and it caught. 

So today I decided to burn a fire to get rid of the smoke smell in my house. When I started the fire, it had a LOT of smoke! It was not going up the chimney, but coming out of every crack that it could, filling our home with smoke! 

Thinking about the Christian walk, and relating this wood burning to people, there are some people that have been taught their entire lives how to burn. It is natural for them. There are some people that have been taught and have fallen to the side. There are some people that have never heard, and when thrown in the fire, they don’t know what to do. They may be in the midst of the seasoned Christians and still not get it. The key is not to force them, but to surround them with seasoned, natural love, so that they feel the flame, and eventually catch themselves. I love the picture with the stubborn piece that my son threw out the door. When we give up on people and throw them out in the cold, we put out the ember of hope. “And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart” (Galatians 6:9). As long as they stay in the midst, they will eventually catch. We have to be patient. 

 Some people are like seasoned wood that has sat and all the filth of the world has faded, some are like freshly cut wood, and need time. It will take them longer to catch the fire, but can and may. Today gave me another picture. There are some that stay in the midst of the fire, and just blow SMOKE!!! We need to be cautious of them. There are wolves in sheep clothing, and sometimes it is hard to see them; but when the fire is hot, the smoke really starts to reveal itself. “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves” (Matthew 7:15). 

 Ultimately each of us is accountable to keep the fire going, and to share it with others so that they too can burn bright. “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven” (Matthew 5:16). And in the end, we will be accountable to God for that. “each one’s work will become clear; for the Day will declare it, because it will be revealed by fire; and the fire will test each one’s work, of what sort it is” (1 Corinthians 3: 13). The ones that have been taught, and have fallen away from the fire need to go back to the center of the fire. “Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works…” (Revelation 2:5).